Words Left Behind
by Makendrik
Summary: Summary: Season 5 Finale. Begins in the locker room, after Holly drops her news on Gail.


**Words Left Behind**

Summary: Season 5 Finale. Begins in the locker room, after Holly drops her news on Gail.

Notes: The Rookie Blue season 5 finale is the inspiration behind this first ever fanfiction of mine. I wanted to deal with some of the disjointed dialogue between Gail and Holly, particularly towards the end of the season. Not one of these 2 lovely ladies belong to me in any way, all property of Rookie Blue. No betas in my pocket, so all mistakes are mine to own.

'I just accepted a job in San Francisco. And I was going to ask you to come with me. I leave in 2 weeks.'

The look from Gail was heartbreaking. 'I...you...what?' Gail stammered.

When Holly had shown up, she was a jumble of excited nerves. She was so close to having Holly back and she really wanted her to be on board with Sophie. That had lead to blurting it all out at once before she could lose her nerve. But the bomb that Holly had just dropped was so beyond what Gail had prepared herself for that she wasn't exactly sure she was still breathing. She had expected anger, although that wasn't Holly's style, or a calm, flat out 'NO, I cannot be with you given this new information' and of course, there was the dream version 'Oh wow honey, that's awesome, of course I will support you and this new little person. We'll be an amazing family! Let's get started!'

She shook her head and suddenly realized, for the first time that they were still at 15. 'Why the fuck are we doing this in my locker room?'

'Good question.'

'Yeah it is.' she was pacing. 'Yesterday there was a promise of homemade diner and some vintage alcohol...' Suddenly she spun around, angrier than Holly had ever seen her, 'Wait. Did you know this little bit of big fucking information yesterday?'

'Whoa, pot meet kettle. I seem to remember a recent, very impassioned speech, describing yourself as a self destructive brat and now you're ready to be a Mum? Seriously?' _Shit_. _Low blow Stewart. _She hadn't meant it to come out quite like that. How does this woman make her mouth run off like that?

'Really? Yesterday you're all, "I miss you and let's talk." and with the big kissing! And all along you were leaving? What the hell Holly? That was just mean.'

Holly forced herself to take a breath. This was going wrong, really wrong, fast. Before they knew it, she would be on a plane to San Francisco and there would be no going back. They needed to talk, really talk. She had pictured this conversation taking place on her couch with that bottle of Barolo. Calm, rational, adult conversation. Not for Gail to suddenly launch into her news right there in the damn locker room. _Fuck!_ And then, in shock, _her_ news just came tumbling out. What a disaster.

This was so typical of them. There was never enough time. Just stolen moments of extremes where they were really on or really off. Being with Gail is like erupting from a volcano into a cold shower. And she totally admits to loving that intensity and the craziness of it all, but suddenly it's not about whether they are going to get back together or not. Suddenly it's about raising an adopted child together or Gail picking up her entire life to come to San Francisco with her. _Well at least she wouldn't have to be 'Peck super cop' over there_. But actually, what would she do there? She's pretty sure you have to be a US citizen to wear the uniform. And Gail is a cop, through and through. She's rambling. _Bugger. How did this get so messed up? Oh wait, I know! Because you didn't think Stewart, that's why. Your heart takes over with this damn woman and everything just comes out wrong. _

Gail is across the room still, watching Holly. She secretly loves watching Holly when she is really concentrating. She's so beautiful. So many emotions have played across her face in the last few seconds; anger, disbelief, guilt, resignation, indecision.

'Holly?' She whispers softly. Wanting to jostle her out of her thoughts gently.

'Hmmmm?' She says distracted, still looking at the floor.

'Can we go?' She says in a small voice she doesn't recognize.

Holly immediately looks up. Gail looks so unsure. _Right, we're still sitting in the locker room. She's exposed. Of course she wants to go._

'Of course. My place?'

'Yeah. But could we skip the food and alcohol and just figure this out?'

'Yeah. Yeah we can.'

The drive to Holly's was silent. For all intensive purposes they had an impossible situation. Holly wants Gail, but this job in San Francisco will give her a chance to really make a difference in the medical community. Did she really think that Gail would come with her? They had barely gotten started again on a relationship that barely got started the first time. _ Really Stewart? Just pick up and come with me love. It'll be fine. What a bloody tosser you are. You're an academic for crying out loud!_ But, that heart of hers is not. Her heart just wants Gail. Complicated, messy, amazingly quirky and sometimes crazy, Gail.

Yes, she knew about this job yesterday when she showed up at the station and accosted Gail. It was part of what propelled her into action. And Gail was right. It was mean. But she panicked. The same way she had last time she found herself kissing Gail in an empty interrogation room. She had been rash. She should have just left well enough alone. She should have accepted Gail's apology the night of the thumb and then left it alone. Left her alone. It would have been a shitty end for them, but it might have been better than this. Verbal sparring had always been their thing, but it was never mean until now.

Gail stared out the window. Holly was leaving. Her sweet, sassy, nervous rambling, annoyingly nerdy, lunchbox was leaving. What the hell was she going to do? Was Holly right? Did she really have any right to make that statement? _How can I be ready to be a mum? I'm a mess. _But everyone has moments. Sophie's case was a moment for Gail. The Gail before that case would never have apologized to Holly. It would have required too much self reflection. Sophie was responsible for that growth. She taught Gail that some things just matter more than protecting yourself. Sophie matters more. And Holly matters more. _But I can't go with her. _

######

They sat on opposite ends of the couch, Gail staring at her hands and Holly at her feet. Seconds turned into minutes and Holly was beginning to wonder if they were going to talk at all when Gail finally spoke up.

'Be with me.' She blurted out

'What?' She was confused. That was not anywhere near where she thought this would begin.

'Be with me' she repeated 'for the next 2 weeks. Do what's left of your job and the rest of the time, be with me. I'll help you pack and we'll go to all your favourite Toronto spots... except the batting cages. I don't think I'm allowed back. I get to see Sophie once a week and I won't miss that, but other than that, and work, be with me. I might even be able to book a few emergency days.'

Holly was stunned. 'You know, that I'm not just leaving you Gail.'

Gail looked down again. 'Yeah, I know. But them? Your friends and family? You're going to keep in touch with all of them.'

Holly's head whipped around so fast that Gail actually looked at her hands to make sure she hadn't slapped her.

'Wait a minute. We're not keeping in touch?' she said incredulously

'Come on Holly.' She said as if that was enough to answer the question.

'No. Not Come on Holly. We were friends Gail, before anything else, we were friends. Good friends.'

'No we weren't.' She snickered 'Holly we were always headed beyond friendship. You know that as well as I do. We'll never be just friends.'

Holly's face fell and Gail heard a sob before she stood and left the room. _There's air in the kitchen, right? This is hard. Why didn't I think this would be hard? Because in your heart, you hear Gail saying "San Fransisco? Of course Lunchbox, I'd follow you anywhere!"_

Gail turned to find Holly leaning over the kitchen sink, head down, shoulders shaking. _Damn. This is hurting her too_. Yes, Gail was all kinds of mad at Holly, but did she really have much right? What reasons had she given Holly to stay? She had been an ass. They both had, in their own way, but not letting Holly explain after she had walked out on her? That was the beginning of the end for them. Gail wasn't much for regrets, but that? That she regretted.

'Baby?' She said softly as she approached. The term of endearment only made Holly cry harder. So she wrapped herself around Holly like a blanket. Like somehow she could hold in her pain if she just squeezed tight enough.

'Why?' Holly finally said

'Why what?'

'Why be with you for the next 2 weeks?'

Gail blew out a breath. This was her chance. She needed to say this exactly right.

'Because I want a chance for us to really be together with nothing between us. Because this?' she squeezed Holly a little tighter, 'this matters.'

'Nothing between us except me leaving.'

'Yes, there's a built in ending. But relationships that can never be, in their own way, kinda stay perfect. I want us to have our chance at perfection. Then maybe, just maybe, I can let you go. Because we will always have these 2 weeks. And us...us will always be my perfection. '

They made their way back to the couch holding hands. Gail had no idea how long they sat there in the silence, just that it was dark out when Holly finally spoke.

'Okay'

'Okay what? '

'Okay I'll be with you.'

Gail hugged Holly so hard she wasn't entirely sure she wasn't hurting her.

With purpose, Holly turned to face Gail fully, 'Alright Officer Peck. First order of business. We are going to your place to get a 2 weeks supply of everything you need to move in with me.'

YAY! Gail was giddy. Crazy, stupid, happy. And that's when it happened. They were heading for the door when Holly gently placed her hand on the small of Gail's back. The gesture, so familiar, so lovingly casual, broke her carefully constructed bravado. In the blink of an eye she was on the floor, sobbing uncontrollably, ensconced in Holly's arms and she couldn't breathe.

'I wasted so much time. Time we could have been building something you would never have wanted to leave.' she sobbed

'Oh honey.' She soothed 'We both made mistakes. I knew you well enough to know that I had to confront you face to face if I wanted things between us resolved. I thought by texting you and phoning you that I was making an effort and that somehow absolved me of having to take responsibility. I was so certifiably nuts over you. It wasn't until you walked away that I realized the magnitude of your power over me. No one has ever been that deep inside of me. Especially in such a short time. So I ran too sweetie. I started seeing someone else. You weren't answering my calls or my texts and I took the easy way out. Except it wasn't easy. I was hurt and it was my own immature way of lashing out. We are both responsible for this. I am not letting you take the blame all by yourself.'

'What a mess.' Gail sniffed

'Yeah. That's us. Messy.' She reached out with the tips of her fingers, softly cupping Gail's cheek. 'Still kinda beautiful though.'

Gail laughed. 'Yeah.'

'Come on, let's get you moved in so that we can spend the rest of the night naked.'

Gail jumped up so fast she nearly knocked Holly over.

'Come on nerd!' she pulled at Holly's hand like a petulant child. 'Naked time is a wastin'!'

Holly laughed and allowed herself to be pulled out the door. Living in this bubble with Gail was going to make it so much harder to leave. _But I'm in love with her, and I just can't make that go away. _So she did the only thing she could. She followed.

Notes: Any and all comments, suggestions, etc. welcome. I prefer blunt honesty, so fire away.


End file.
